What I Would Give to See You Again Read online

  Ahram moved to the side of the house where the woodpile was, pressed a fist against his lips, and slumped against the rough surface of the stacked logs. If only vampires could cry. By now he would have cried more tears for her than there were snowflakes on this mountain. Easily. Such was his grief to have committed the sin of killing her. The only sin he’d committed in his entire life. He could never figure out why Osiris had not immediately struck him down for his transgression. That he would have been able to handle. But as it turned out, living with what he’d done was ten times worse. Snuffing out his own true love had burdened every single day with the cloak of self-loathing.

  He still remembered the oath she’d made him swear when they were kids roaming the tunnels. It had been toward the end of the project, when she and her father would return home. At that point he and Angelica had become inseparable. Deep beneath the earth, in one of the tunnels, surrounded by the mysticism of legends and curses, she’d cut both their palms with a small pen knife. Clasping his hand firmly in hers, cuts together, blood mingling, she’d said, “Swear that we will always be this special to each other. Swear that I will take a unique place in your heart as you’ve taken in mine. And that, even though we might not see each other ever again, it will never feel like it because of that.” He’d sworn, but it hadn’t been necessary. What she made him swear was already how he’d felt, even at the tender age of eleven…and for over a century.

  And now, he couldn’t do it anymore. It was time to end his undeserving existence and return Osiris’s gift. He’d just come here for the chance to say goodbye.

  He stood there in the cold and waited to be drawn back through whatever magical portal Chin-Sun and Itembe had pushed him through. He’d gotten what he’d paid for, he’d seen all that he wanted to see. But several minutes ticked by and nothing happened.

  Surely this replay of his past would be paused before he committed that horrible act. It had to be. He frowned in concentration. But had he told Chin-Sun and Itembe of that wish? Had he specified it in the paperwork? He’d been so consumed with seeing Angelica again he hadn’t thought to make sure that exact detail had been included in the contract. But Chin-Sun and Itembe knew so much…they had to know this was where he wanted to end it. Didn’t they?

  The front door opened and Angelica poked her head out. “Ahram? Are you all right?”

  He snatched some logs from the pile and walked to her. “I’m fine. It just took me a while to find the drier ones.”

  “Okay. It’s time to eat, come sit.”

  He followed her inside and laid the logs next to the hearth, then turned toward the door again. “Just another moment. I made a bit of a mess with the wood pile and I want to fix it before more snow falls.”

  How do I contact Chin-Sun and Itembe from here? He hadn’t even asked them how to do that. Surely there had to be away. Something had to have gone wrong with other people’s vacations at some point; emergencies happened from time to time.

  Not knowing where else to go, what else to do, he darted into the trees. Feeling like an idiot he called, “Chin-Sun? Itembe? Can you hear me?” But only the wind rustling in the trees answered him.

  Shit.

  “Chin-Sun! Itembe!”

  Nothing.

  He headed back inside, his mind conjuring alternatives. There weren’t many. A vampire in as hungry a state he was didn’t have the energy needed to tromp miles through avalanches to get out of this valley. Going back the way he came, or in any direction for that matter, was out of the question. Scaling the mountains they were ringed by would take just as much energy. In any of those cases he would be frozen by the drop in temperature overnight…

  “Mr. Bahar. How is everything going?”

  The voice halted him. He spun around. Behind him the hotel doorway he’d come through had appeared. Its bottom edge rested on the snow looking as though it had been there all along. Chin-Sun stood on the other side holding the door open. Behind her, light shined from the hallway they’d walked down earlier. She looked completely comfortable in her gray dress, as though the frigid weather did not touch her.

  Thank god. Seeing her reminded him that he was a paying customer, and that this whole thing wasn’t real. All he had to do was walk back through that door and it would all be over. The tension in his forehead unknitted itself. He stepped toward her. “Good. Everything went well. I’m ready to go now.”

  She put her hand up in a halt gesture, stopping him inches from the opening. “I’m sorry, but you can’t come back right now. Your vacation isn’t over.” Her slanted brown eyes showed nothing more than polite regret as if telling him the restaurant was out of chicken.

  “What do you mean? I’ve seen all I wanted to see. I’m done.” Dread prickled over his skin. What the hell were Chin-Sun and Itembe anyway? Until now he’d thought vampires were the most powerful, dangerous beings on Earth, but clearly they weren’t.

  “Mr. Bahar, you paid us to deliver to you your time with Angelica here, and that is what we arranged for you. You still have until dawn, remember?”

  Her tone was light but firm and Ahram found himself pinned where he stood by her gaze. He tried to speak, stuttered, tried again, “You know what happens, don’t you? You know I kill her.” Anger and bitterness rose within him, swelling like some hideous indigestion. “I don’t want to do that again. Take me back right now.” He tried to move forward again but some invisible force held him back.

  Chin-Sun’s calm demeanor didn’t change. “As I explained to you in our earlier meeting, once we set one of these experiences in motion they can’t be altered. It’s not without effort that we made this possible for you. It’s unfortunate that you did not specify exactly where you wished to conclude your experience. But don’t concern yourself too much with it. What happened has already happened. Why not just try to just enjoy the time you have left with her?” She glanced down at the silver watch encircling her slim wrist. “Now, please excuse me. I have a meeting.”

  It was as if she were handling a difficult hotel guest rather than discussing murder. How could she completely disregard him? He was a paying customer! A scathing rebuttal rose to his lips but Chin-Sun swung the door shut before a word came out.

  Suddenly, he was free to move again. He sprang forward to shove at the door, focusing all of his strength in his desperation. But instead of making contact with the smooth wood, he flew through the space where the door had been and landed in the snow. His chest heaved with breaths he didn’t need, panic rising as the razor edge of his hunger sliced at him again.

  No! Damn her to hell!

  The wind blew in a violent gust as if in answer, causing the falling snowflakes to whirl around him in a mad dance, and he was reminded that they could claim him. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea for him to trudge out into the night and allow the elements to bind him. If I lock up with cold it will keep me from attacking Angelica and I’ll die. The corner of his mouth quirked up. He could accomplish both goals at once. How fitting it would be if he died here instead of her? It would be the perfect atonement for his sin. I’m planning to end my life anyway. What does it matter if it happens here or in the present day?

  He thought of the pass he had come through and the vampires trapped beneath the avalanche. If only they had caught him instead…

  He rose, and began his death march away from the house, away from Angelica. Freezing to death would be a thousand times better than harming her. It would be tough going through such deep snow, but he could probably put sufficient distance between them before his bloodlust took over.

  He didn’t get very far when he heard her calling. “Ahram? Where are you? Are you all right?”

  The concern in her voice stopped him, made him look back through the trees hoping to catch a last glimpse of her face, but the door closed. He continued on, determined not to look back again.

  The door opened again a moment later. “Ahram, can you hear me? Call out so I can find you.”

  Oh no. She thought he was los
t. She was coming to find him. And knowing now how she felt about him, how they felt about each other, he knew she would not stop looking for him until she was lost herself. He couldn’t bear to think of her freezing to death because of him. He glanced back. There she was, a lantern in her hand and coat on. Her scent carried to his nostrils and his mouth watered as though lemon juice had been dropped on his tongue. He swallowed hard. There was no other way, he was going to have to go back into the house. Mighty Osiris, help me have enough self-control not to attack her until she falls asleep tonight, until I can sneak away.

  “I’m here, Angelica,” he called. “I’m fine. I thought I saw something so I went to have a look. Go back in the house. I’m coming right now.”

  “Oh thank goodness. Okay. Dinner is on the table.” She went inside and shut the door.

  Ahram dug his fingers into the hair edging his forehead and clenched the strands in a tight fist. He had to do something. Would he be able to resist knowing how rich and savory her blood had been? Knowing how much better she tasted than the humans of the modern world who ate food low in nutrients and loaded with preservatives?

  The snapping of twigs nearby distracted him from his thoughts. Something moved around in the darkness, and it was big. Bless you, Osiris! He took off after it not caring what it was, his only goal to feed on something living that could take the edge off his hunger. The red-tailed deer toppled over from the force of Ahram’s attack, his fangs sunk deep into its neck before it hit the ground. It bleated and flailed its legs briefly before losing consciousness from the thick stream of blood being diverted from its normal flow to its brain.

  Ahram had never fed on an animal before and he wondered what effect it would have on him. Would the essence of an animal be acceptable to Osiris? But did it really matter if he was shortly to end his life? The deer was an unsatisfying and strange-tasting meal. Like when people filled themselves up on popcorn when what their body really craved was meat and fresh vegetables.

  It wasn’t until the great thudding heart of the deer stilled and Ahram felt full to the point of sloshing, that he came fully back to himself. Had it been seconds, minutes? He’d been lost in the act of feeding, his baser instincts possessing him just as they had when he’d lost control of himself and killed Angelica. He smoothed a hand down the rough fur of the deer’s shoulder in silent thanks, praying that it hadn’t given its life for nothing. He stood, shook the snow from his clothes, and headed back.

  He hoped it would be enough.

  Chapter Five

  Angelica was waiting near the front door for him. “What happened? What did you see?” She reached out and fingered the tear and on the sleeve of his shirt next to a spot of blood. “Did you cut yourself?”

  The concern in her eyes touched him, made guilt fill his pores. He covered her hand with his and found himself much better able to handle the feel and scent of her. Gratitude for the deer welled in him. The danger was over for now. He wasn’t on the edge of attacking her anymore. But still, he couldn’t just go and sit at the table and converse and pretend that this was last time, as if it would all be okay. It wasn’t.

  He realized now that coming back and seeing her would not give him the closure he sought before he died. It would never wipe away the horror of what he had done to her. He couldn’t take any longer the way she looked at him with so much love in her eyes.

  “Angelica, you shouldn’t care about me. I’m not a good person.” The truth pressed past his lips with urgency. He had to tell her the truth, even if this whole thing was a charade.

  “What are you talking about?” Her lips parted in a smile and a bubbling laugh escaped her. “You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.”

  When she looked at him that way and said things like that he could almost see himself the same way. He shook his head. “No. Listen to me. I must tell you this. You have to know. I…I killed someone.”

  Her chin jerked back and her brows touched briefly in a frown then resumed their usual relaxed positions. “Well, there must have been a good reason.”

  It was too much. In her eyes the belief in his inherent goodness shone with unwavering brightness. He glanced down at the smooth creamy skin on the back of her hand. He shook his head again and the dangling tendrils of his black hair fell about his face in a thin curtain. “No. There wasn’t.” Remorse caused his insides to curl in on themselves and he held his breath as he waited for her answer. She should tell him to leave, she should look at him with disgust. He knew he deserved it.

  The warm tips of her fingers traced along his forehead as she skimmed the hair back from his face and she leaned in to capture his gaze with hers. “Okay. So you killed someone. But it’s clear that you regret it. It was a mistake, wasn’t it?”

  He met her eyes. The understanding there drawing him in like a drug. “Yes. It was an accident,” he admitted. It was the first time he’d ever expressed it any way other than murder.

  She ran the backs of her fingers along his cheek. “Then you must stop castigating yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Some are worse than others. But we have to forgive ourselves and move on or our entire lives become consumed by the past. I know you, Ahram. However long ago it was that we met, I know who you are. You deserve a happy future free from shame.”

  Her immediate acceptance and forgiveness stunned him. It was nothing he ever thought she would say. She was home alone with a man who had confessed to murder and she didn’t hesitate even one second to lead him to forgiveness. He could never even begin to deserve her. He dropped her hand.

  “No. You’re not safe with me. I must go. Right now.” He turned to grasp the door handle, but she was fast. She blocked it with her body.

  “Go? Where will you go at this time of night? You could die out there.”

  I should die out there. “I can’t stay. Trust me.”

  Her face reddened and a new energy suffused her. “No. I won’t let you. You’re just upset. You’re staying here.”

  He blinked. Here was a side he had never seen before. Was she angry with him? “I’m trying to do the right thing. Please don’t make this harder.”

  “The right thing? You think coming here, telling me how you feel about me, and then leaving is right?” Her voice rose in pitch and she stepped toward him.

  It was instinct that made him step back. Somehow even his vampire instincts knew when not to tangle with an angry female.

  “All my life people have told me what to do, how to behave, how to dress, all in the name of what is best for me. But you know what? I’m through with that. I’m old enough to say what is right for me or not, and I’m saying that you have to stay. We’ve just found each other again. This is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’m not letting you leave.”

  She advanced on him like an avenging angel and he retreated until he backs of his legs bumped up against the couch. He was completely fascinated. Her sweet demeanor had been whipped into a fury, one that made her face flush like fire and her eyes red-rimmed and watery. Her hair even seemed to stand on end a bit, but she was still glorious. He’d seen her get upset when they were children, but this was different.

  He felt selfish now. This whole thing had been about him, he’d never considered what Angelica might want. Even if it was all make believe, he would give her what little he could. “Okay, I’ll stay.” He lifted his hands and stroked her upper arms.

  “You will?”

  He nodded.

  “Good. Because going out there in the middle of the night is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Only someone who wants to die would do that.” A tear slipped from the corner of her eye and she swiped at it.

  He pulled her against him and wrapped his arms around her, guilt making him feel like an ass. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry.”

  She slipped her arms around his waist and he reveled at how wonderful it felt to stand there holding her. He nestled his cheek against the top of her head and inhaled. Her hair held the scents of baking bread, fresh forest, and home.
Her soft form rested against his body, her full breasts pressing against him. He loved how she filled his embrace.

  When she lifted her head to look at him he couldn’t help capturing those lips in a kiss once again. New feelings infused him as she responded, and he plunged his tongue into her sweet mouth. She gave a small gasp of surprise but then matched his movements. It was several moments before he could stop and pull away, not wanting to take advantage.

  Her lips were swollen and pink from their kiss, and when she opened her eyes he could see that something stirred deep within her. Her passion had awakened and he couldn’t help feeling pleased.

  “More,” she whispered. “I want more.”

  His lips quirked up in surprise, and he said, “Me, too,” before lowering his head to her and tasting her sweetness again.

  Her hands fisted on his shirt as he engaged her again in a thrilling, sensuous kiss. And soon she began a hesitant exploration of his body. Her fingers felt like butterfly wings skimming over his waist and back. It turned him on more than he could have ever expected. He pulled her closer against him, running his hands down to her buttocks so he could press her hips to his hardness. She moaned at the contact. Even if she was an innocent, her body knew what that hardness meant.

  Her hands slipped beneath his shirt and the feel of her fingers on his skin spiked his arousal further. He unbuttoned the back of her dress, and then relished in the feel of her smooth soft back. They were both panting now and he felt conflicted as to whether he should continue or not.

  “What? What is it?” she asked. The fire of arousal burned bright in her eyes.

  “I…I think we should stop.” He didn’t want to stop but it felt like the right thing to do for some reason.

  “Was I doing something wrong?”

  The disappointment and worry in her tone made him chuckle. He hugged her tight. “Not at all. Can’t you feel how much I want you?” He pressed his pelvis into her.